Top of the list of things you definitely do no Wanting to say or do during sex is “anything that might invite defensiveness or insecurity that is already vulnerable because of the way our culture teaches us about sex,” says certified sex therapist Casey Tanner, LCPC, CST, founder and. CEO at Expansive Group, a queer sex therapy practice. For example, a person who feels embarrassed about a certain kink due to widespread cultural myths may be more triggered by the rejection or shame of a sexual partner’s desire.
Through years of experience working with clients, Tanner has discovered a handful of things that everyone should avoid in the bedroom (or wherever your sexual activity takes you). Read what they don’t say or don’t do during sex to make everyone feel better from start to finish.
A certified sex therapist will tell you what to say or do to a partner during sex
1. Say, “You always do X” or “You never do Y.”
Just as “always” and “never” shouldn’t make their way into relationship arguments, they’re also two words to clarify during sex. These absolutes are almost always (sorry) an exaggeration and come off as an attack on a person’s character, rather than criticizing a particular behavior.
As such, these words often evoke defensiveness, says Tanner. The person will actually be tempted to come with a time did Do the things you claim they never do (or they never do the things you say they always do). And that debate is going nowhere fast.
“Saying ‘You always do this,’ or ‘You never do this,’ doesn’t really tell your partner what you’re looking for.” -Casey Tanner, LCPC, CST
Instead, Tanner suggests avoiding big, sweeping statements and being as specific as possible when providing feedback in bed. “If you’re going to complain, make sure you’re also showing opinions,” they say. “Saying you always do this, or ‘You never do this,’ doesn’t really tell your partner what you’re looking for. So, it’s helpful to be as specific in your request as you are in your response.”
2. Use any pet word for one of their body parts without checking first
Assuming you’re communicating your needs and wants in bed, you’ll likely find yourself in a position to address someone else’s body parts. At which point, it’s best to go for physical terms (eg, clitoris, penis) until you check with a partner and see if they’re okay with using another term.
A person’s body parts are a component of their identity, and as such you don’t address them they With a word they don’t recognize, you don’t want to risk calling them a body part that doesn’t resonate with them, either (like, say, pussy or beaver), Tanner says. “Pet names for body parts are words that some people really like and others really hate or find to be a turn-off or dysphoric, so I always ask before introducing a word for someone’s body that you haven’t used before.” It’s best to do so in a separate conversation about sex, not in the middle of the act, they add.
3. Respond defensively to requests for vibrators or lubricant
“Because of the ways we’re socialized around sex, many people believe that if you’re ‘attractive’ enough or if you’re sexual enough, your partner will be able to lubricate themselves, and they’ll need lube or a vibrator to have sex or orgasm. Not necessarily,” says Tanner. But that’s not entirely true. “Having been in the field for some time, I can say for sure that the way the body lubricates is not always proportional to how active a person is,” they say. “As someone with a vagina, you Can be very active and dry or very closed and wet, for example.”
As a result, there is no reason to react defensively if a vaginal partner asks for lube or a vibrator during intercourse; It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your appearance or performance or them, says Tanner. “This means that there are external devices that you can use to enhance the sexual experience for everyone involved.” Thinking otherwise or resisting the use of any device at a partner’s request means risking sex that doesn’t feel as good, less arousing, or potentially painful, Tanner says.
If you still feel resistant to using any device during sex, work to educate yourself about why a partner might want to use lube or a toy, suggests Tanner, and also consider the potential benefits for you. So, once it feels organic, try to eagerly respond to any requests for lube or a vibrator, or even invite yourself. “Maybe you’re a person who wants to use toys instead of asking a partner,” says Tanner. “It can be a really powerful experience for your partner that you care in this way.”
4. Ask to use less contraception when you start getting busy
Consider the case of closing in on the contraceptive decision after intercourse has begun—until you decide you actually want it big Contraception, says Tanner. “If the change you want is toward less contraception, it’s not something you should be asking between sex.”
The hormonal lull of sex is not the time when you can expect your partner to make a decision that could have long-term effects (such as pregnancy or a sexually transmitted infection). “In that scenario, they may choose to feel authentic during sex but not feel good afterward, or they may feel pressured to make a decision they’re not comfortable with,” says Tanner. As a general rule, keep the conversation about contraception First Sex to ensure everyone is comfortable with possible consequences.
5. Leave a mark on their body (without consent)
Just because consensual partner sex puts you in the unique position of getting up close and personal with someone else’s body doesn’t mean you can leave a mark there—unless you’ve gotten express permission to do so. “Without asking, you can’t know if a partner is experiencing marks, hiccups, or any kind of pain during sex, and you also don’t know what their plans are for days or weeks later,” says Tanner.
All that said, Hickey shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. “If you want to do this to a partner, say, ‘Is it okay if I leave a mark here?'” says Tanner. “It can be before sex or during sex, but either way, it should be a conversation.”
6. Say “ew” or express disgust
As the saying goes, it’s never a good idea to yuck someone else’s yuck. “People already have enough shame and guilt about what they enjoy sexually because of social stories,” says Tanner. “Making an expression of disgust around something the partner finds pleasurable during sex can only increase the shame or embarrassment they already feel.”
If your partner is doing something that turns you off, Tanner suggests communicating instead of making “I” comments (eg, “That’s not something I enjoy” or “I don’t like it when…”). A blanket statement about what’s okay or not to like during sex.
“The reality is that if there’s something sexually consensual, there are people out there who enjoy it, and that’s great,” Tanner says. “So, it’s important to remember that your negative feelings about a partner’s sexual behavior — whether it’s a kink or a power dynamic or something else entirely — are about. you And not about yourself.” And your response in the moment should reflect that reality.